St Valentine, a pious Christian priest who never pulled anyone, is extremely pleased that people are getting it on in his memory.
The 3rd century Roman saint was initially surprised to find out that he is the reason 14th February smells of oysters and spunk. However, after some thought, he decided it makes sense.
“Obviously, it was never appropriate for me to sow my wild oats. The pope just wouldn’t have liked it. But I always thought I would have been a top shagger if I put my mind to it. Have one on me, that’s what I say.”
Some of his mates however were less convinced. “St Valentine could never have been a top shagger, he hasn’t got any chat. He lived in ancient Rome, there were orgies everywhere. He just didn’t get invited” remarked his best pal Cupid. “Most of the people at said orgies did want to cut his head off and burn him alive, but I still think it’s a bit rich to use that as an excuse.”
Of his other cultural legacies, St Valentine is rumoured to be most proud of punk band ‘bullet for my Valentine’, who won legal rights to use his name after lobbying The Vatican on the pretence that he was ‘The most punk geezer to ever exist’.
“Honestly the guy is an inspiration. Imagine being into courtly love so much that you’re considered a danger to the state. There’s nothing more punk than being a danger to the state” explained lead singer Matthew Tuck.
“We all know Jesus died for our sins. But this dude died for our shags. We owe him the world.”