‘Fever shitter’ incident solved as dealer admits mixing up his ketamine and his laxative powder

It’s all coming out now.

A bizarre narcotic mix-up caused dramatic scenes in Fever last Thursday, of the kind previously only thought to occur in Unit 1. A university student defecated in the Fever and Boutique corridor outside the toilets, resulting in mass hysteria and a flurry of uninspired Exehonestly posts.

Witnesses have said the incident has left them “confused”, “bewildered”, yet “kind of unsurprised”. Rumours have pointed to a ‘serial shitter’ terrorising the community, whilst others have suggested this is simply Rosies’ latest marketing strategy.

However, The Whip was contacted by a local drug dealer who, bizarrely wishing to remain anonymous, claims that a simple substance mix-up is the cause of this disaster. Whilst weighing out his next batch of orders, he confused his ‘jars’ of laxative powder and ketamine, and mistakenly filled his ziploc baggies with the bowel-loosening substance.

“I realised my mistake the other day, when I tried to treat my cripplingly painful constipation” claims the dealer. “Ten minutes after taking some of my ‘laxative’, I started to see angels and then fell through the floor.”

Last Thursday’s victim is likely the first in a long-line of casualties. There are widespread fears that most of Exeter’s ‘should-have-gone-to-Bristol’ community will be affected, and there is little indication as to how long this problem will persist.

In the wake of this catastrophe, bouncers have been ordered to be even more unnecessarily vigilant. Phoenix has gone as far as changing its “human rights” policy as to completely prevent any drug usage in its toilets. Rather than just creepily peering over the top of your door, security can now legally enter the toilet cubicle with you.

Organisers for this Saturday’s Move and Phoenix events are particularly worried. “We’ve got cleaning teams on standby” stressed Will Harris, one especially worried promoter. “I’m considering calling the whole thing off. It’s going to be a literal shitshow”.

The Whip hopes that Fever and Boutique’s reputation will recover from this bizarre fiasco. For now, “Dirty Beat” takes on a whole new meaning.

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