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Factory to introduce in-queue self defence classes to protect clubbers from bouncers

It’s the only way!

Factory Nightclub have today announced that they will be offering complimentary self-defence training to better protect clubbers against their own security staff.

This comes in response to the recent scandal in which two reportedly ‘fat, juiced up’ bouncers were fired because of their inability to diffuse a completely non-violent situation. The general manager of Factory had this to say:

“Violence is an unfortunate – yet completely unavoidable – aspect of the trade, you see. Dean pushed that hen party down the stairs in September, then we had Nico head-butt a homeless man in the cock, and I’ve been known to uppercut some underage kids if I’m feeling stressed. I know it’s bad, but you know – no ID, and I will fuck you up – that’s just the way it is.

“So obviously, there needs to be structural change in how we operate on a night-to-night basis. We considered training our door staff to act like adults and act with very basic levels of humility and maturity, but decided that that was too daunting a task to embark upon.

“So from now on, we will be employing Muay Thai instructors to teach our customers basic self-defence. They’ll now know what to do in the more-than-likely situation that our bouncers opt to use their fists to solve issues. Win win!”

The Whip will be keeping a close eye on the effects of this new policy.

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