‘OMG I literally can’t do 9ams’ whines student who got up at 7am every week day for a decade, no questions asked

Get a grip.

Students nationwide claim to be physically unable to make it to their 9:00am lectures despite spending their entire schooling career with 7-hour days and 7:00am wake ups. Some university students have been forced to take drastic measures and set over 32 different alarms all within a minute of eachother to have any chance of waking up on time.

University students, a mere shadow of their vibrant and industrious younger selves, now more closley resemble walking zombies than actual human beings, despite having less lessons and less work than ever before.

Students have been left dumbfounded as to why they are no longer as energetic and diligent as they once were, insisting that the amount of drugs they now inhale on a bi-hourly basis has nothing to do with it.

Tom Assam, 18-year-old first year chemistry student, thinks that it all comes down to the fact that he’s “Past his prime” and can no longer handle such a demanding schedule in the same way he could in “The throes of youth.”

Physics fresher, Yali Mizrahi has reported her university to the United Nations’ Human Rights Council after she had not one but two 9:00 am’s scheduled into her timetable. Yali has also accused her parents of ‘gaslighting’ her in the press for claiming that she spent many years of her life up at 7:00am to catch the school bus.

Though promising, unfortunately Yali’s case has been dropped after she slept through the official hearing at the UN Embassy.

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