Exeter University saw a bright spark emerge in dog form this week as Virgil, a slightly-too-old Labrador, trotted into the Forum on Tuesday to brighten up everyone’s day.
The eight year old canine, who describes himself as a ‘good boy,’ made a long protest march up Forum Hill and into the Marketplace as a huddled mass of on-lookers stood with their mouths agape. The dog is said to be marching against the effects of seasonal depression and is currently considering a run as DVP for Welfare.
One bystander, Business and Economics student Ross Plunkett, described the feeling the dog elicited when he petted him as he walked to 11:30 lecture: “Pure, unbridled joy. I haven’t felt raw and cutting happiness like this since I was given a free coffee and a wink by one of the Pret A Manger staff.”
The UPP were rushed in at 3:15pm as many students were fainting at his “golden, barreling locks,” whilst others commented that their worries had “simply evaporated” after one stroke of his velvety fur.
“He looked like a resplendent medieval queen,” as one onlooker described it. Even the UPP’s finest muscle-men struggled to contain its raw majesty. “My wife just left me and the kids for another man. I live with that hanging pain everyday, but this animal made it all wash away,” said Brian Keane, wiping away a tear.
With calls for the debating society to pose the dog against Katie Hopkins, we were able to nab Virgil for an interview: “I stand on a policy of being good. Nothing more. Nothing less.” After these fine words, the dog then sniffed my leg in a way that made me feel like my life had purpose and that I was finally loved, and wandered away.
As History and Philosophy student, Paul Reiss, stated: “This is the only thing stopping me from topping myself.” We understand, Paul. We understand.