Thoughtful Deliveroo driver intentionally crushes takeaway so no one has to lie

Looking out for the little guy.

Last week a flurry of rumours spread through the Bristol University campus, claiming that one student had genuinely received a ‘crushed’ burger and a ‘spilt’ milkshake when ordering with delivery giant Deliveroo. Even more shocking, it appears that this act was a deliberate attempt by delivery driver, Maria Highlighter, to ensure that the student’s compensation was deserved.

Maria explained to The Whip in an interview that she had seen a recent spike in complaints about her food deliveries, especially when delivering to Stoke Bishop.

“These undergraduates think they can afford Deliveroo pretty often, sometimes twice a day, but then when it arrives, it dawns on them that they can’t. Deliveroo has recently begun to insist on more evidence, photos for example, and it’s such a time waste for students to have to either demolish their food or come up with elaborate lies when calling the helpline.

“They really should be studying, and who am I to get in the way of that? These guys are our future doctors, lawyers, and teachers. And me? I’m a facilitator.”

Vihaan Khatri, the student whose lunch was destroyed, spoke to us exclusively. “It was such a relief, we had the phone ready and had already decided to say that I would never been using the service again, so account credit really wouldn’t cut the cheese.

“I was even prepared to throw in slurs like ‘bozo’ and ‘schmuck’ if things got hairy. Confrontation like this really stresses me out; last week I had to abort a ‘Slitheroo’, as we call them, because my mate ‘remembered’ that she ‘actually had an essay to do’ and was ‘really sorry.’”

It’s faint-hearted young bucks like Vihaan that make Maria’s crusade rewarding every day. The delivery driver distilled her campaign for us with the dictum:

“The customer is always right. So, to serve the customer, us drivers should get into the mindset of the demographic we are delivering to. Once in this mindset, we can anticipate their needs and facilitate.”

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