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Bristol UK

“What beautiful weather we’re having” says environmentalist weeping into Kopparberg on sunny Brandon Hill surrounded by friends

A torrid day of fun in the sun.

Over the past few days, temperatures in Bristol have marked this as one of the hottest Februarys on record. This heat in a winter month has sparked an epidemic of mixed emotions among the student body, torn between their environmental conscience and their aching desire to enjoy themselves.

Brandon Hill was flocked yesterday by undergraduates basking, laughing and intensely discussing the severe ramifications of rising sea levels and single use plastics. The Whip spoke to one such student, Audrey Hipbone, who sombrely explained to us the severity of this issue while sporting a killer sundress.

“It is February, this heat is not natural; our planet has a fever and we are the only ones who can stop it from burning up. I know it might feel good, but it’s just so wrong. And hey, sometimes things that are the most wrong might feel the most right, but this isn’t one of those times.

“Even when the sun leans down to kiss our skin and we gently tilt our necks back into her warm embrace, we must remember what’s important. We mustn’t get lost in her tender eyes, her churlish grin, or that glimmer that makes knees weaken under the weight of too much laughter and hearts go giddy…”

Audrey paused to gather herself with a cool sip, “It’s just plain wrong, and I know this park is ridden with as much guilt as a Kindle in an independent bookshop.”

We left Audrey to her inner demons, seesawing from relaxation to protestation. Reports have emerged this morning that the park has now descended into a tableau of ‘Millennial Gollums,’ who flit between sobbing into their Chilly’s bottles and engaging in light-hearted patter with friends.

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