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Exeter

Snipers implemented to combat students walking slowly side-by-side to Campus

A solution at last.

The Whip intends today to outline one of the biggest issues facing those commuting to Campus: no, not the inevitable awkward eye contact, or the complete lack of motivation to even bother going in; this issue is people walking two or more abreast on the narrow pavements along Prince of Wales Road.

Unlike the students who begrudgingly shuffle into single file when confronted with another hapless pedestrian, these herds of students, either obnoxiously or obliviously, maintain a solid rank and file.

The University of Exeter has long recognised this issue and believes that a harsh punishment should be doled out for those who believe they are “some sort of God of the pavement.”

As such, work has begun on Cricket Field Court to be retrofitted as a security checkpoint overlooking the approach to campus. CPSO’s (Campus Security Sniping Official) are to be decked out with state-of-the-art Nerf guns with enough stopping power to mortally wound the ego of even the bulkiest stash-clad lad.

The Whip caught up with a group of Law students on their way to the gym to work on their posture, positioning and prowess. Henry Hughton stated that he had “been walking to campus like this for as long as he could remember” and that he hadn’t even thought about the fact that literally no-one can get past without playing with traffic.

“What better forum to discuss the trials of my night out last night than ambling along without any concept of time in the busiest stretch of pavement in the city?” opined a bemused Henry.

But this is not the end of the Uni’s revolutionary approach to altering the walk to Campus. The Guild has listened to the raucous support for a continuation of the muddy gulley which looms parallel to the pavement.

As a result, The Whip can reveal an imminent collaboration between Tough Mudder and the University of Exeter in the re-invention of Prince of Wales Road as both a steep, terrifying way to reach campus and wonderful opportunity to cloak yourself with mud.

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