Nice weather the perfect disguise for student’s alcoholism

No one will suspect a thing…

Exeter’s most popular summer destination, the Imperial beer garden, has received a swell in visits thanks to global warming blessing us with unprecedentedly nice weather in February.

Our shorts and cap clad reporter flocked to the Imperial to gauge the ambience, with drinking on the job proving just as desirable an escape as drinking to forget deadlines.

Amongst a sea of Hooch, our reporter locked eyes with third-year Archaeologist Danny Birch, whose glazed expression suggested he was all too familiar with pre-twilight intoxication. He had the following to say about the current climate:

“It’s amazing honestly, people make comments about you drinking in the daytime if you just stay in watching Countdown while you do it,” admitted Danny, pausing to belch:

“But if you go outside in the sun and with a fruity cider (rather than the drink with highest alcohol percentage at the lowest possible price) they’re less ‘Danny stop that’s your sixth today’ and more ‘Danny can you do a silly face for my Boomerang.'”

Danny has convinced his housemates to frequent the Impy beer garden four times this week: “I think everyone secretly wants to get binned all the time like me. It’s not a problem; I think it’s a blessing! Being out here in the sun, always a little bit merry, can anyone seriously tell me I’m not living my best life?”

In response to his claims we asked if his housemate Hattie Aarons shared his approach to drinking: “Is there anyone you guys know that we can talk to? We need someone to help him, fast.”

“Look at our table for Christ’s sake: it looks like there’s an even spread between the six of us but he’s the only one who’s had anything. He’s not fooling anyone except himself. This is horrible.”

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