A fractional chance of sexual intercourse has inspired one student to clean their room for the first time since November 2018, a report from Fallowfield has revealed.
Second year Rufus Holdall, 19, was spotted vigorously shoving cans, Amazon parcel packaging and ‘a duvet that would change your opinion of him’ into black bin bags in preparation for a situation that almost definitely won’t materialise.
With a 97.7% risk of coming home empty handed, many of the Social Policy student’s grimier friends have voiced their disapproval, calling the practise ‘a joke’ and ‘a waste of time’. However others were more positive, including one who remarked “if you find that bag of cutter’s choice I left in there after AU mate send it my way.”
Despite the coital odds being more stacked against him than the huge pile of Allen’sin the corner, the undergraduate is in high spirits as he declutters for tonight’s date:
“She’s a beauty – Japanese, a little bit older than me and dirty as hell,” he gushed. “I never thought I’d find my old Gameboy under this mess!”
He continued “I guess that’s the good fortune you bring to yourself when you increase your cleaning frequency to ’tri-annual’”.
Unfortunately, Rufus’ housemates were less than impressed by his unorthodox clear up tactics.
“You’d think she was coming in 10 minutes the way he’s rushing round like a headless chicken. The meal isn’t for five hours,” said Charlie Brinks, Economics. “He’s not even separating the recycling, the charlatan. Just all straight in a refuse sack. The man’s a fucking lunatic.”