Categories
Manchester

Britain’s lost boys: the potential Olympians whose careers were cut short by refusing to drink piss

What a waste.

First year Joe Thomas has been suspended from the rugby team after refusing to drink his own piss. It is one of the many hoops that must be jumped through to become a fully-fledged member of the squad.

We caught up with Joe in a dark corner of Fallowfield’s Great Central Weatherspoons. A shadow of his past self, he sat away from the fray to avoid the attention of the surrounding hoody-clad students. Despite climbing to the top of the rugby team’s chunder chart,  Joe explained how he has decided to throw in the towel on his sporting career.

Having excelled in the tryouts earlier in the year, he was set to play for the first rugby team. Happy to partake in the traditional Squirrels-256-Revs route each Wednesday, Joe learnt to enjoy the taste of rum, red wine and Red Bull cocktails, but one night’s events sparked a change of heart.

He explained to The Whip that he passed out in a French maid’s outfit and had his hair sheared off in the Tower corridor. “This really marked a turning point for me in regards to what I was willing to do to be a part of this team,” he admitted, “everyone loves my hair, it has always been a part of my trademark”.

Another ex-teammate, Harvey Hughes, complained that everyone else had to drink from the ‘dirty pint’ and questioned why Joe thinks he’s above it. “It is an essential part of the bonding process, we operate better as a team once we’ve shared these experiences, no matter how negatively they are experienced by those involved or how many great talents it puts off.”

He later, “I guess you could say it is like training to be in the marines, these tasks might seem strange to outsiders, but they are the lifeblood of any sports team and they transform us from just mates to teammates.

“Can you imagine just spending time talking about things? Or doing another activity that isn’t gross, dangerous or illegal? If that kinda stuff has ever created bonds between friends or been part of a professional athlete’s life, I don’t wanna hear about it. Sounds weird.”

Featured photo from The Tab.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *