If you want to give off discreet, obnoxious vibes that suggest, “I am listening to my older brother’s lofi hiphop mix on soundcloud,” get yourself a pair of Airpods. They’re very easy to lose and only £159. Plus, when they run out of battery and it’s time to charge them the fuck UP, the dinky little apple charging case is a real conversation piece.
2. Living just off Chandos road
Uh oh! Someone knew people at Bristol before they got here! You have been told that living in Redland, just off Chandos road, kind of near Texaco, is literally where everyone lives in second year. Don’t even think about having a house party if you don’t live in the described location because it will be shit and no one will want to come.
3. Vaping outside the ASS
Ciggy? Cig? Juul? Hanging out on the steps outside the ASS, vaping or smoking, is pretty fucking cool! It shows that you know other undergraduates and it shows that you smoke. If you find your conversation skills are dwindling, try bringing a Cuban cigar or your grandfather’s pipe, it will help you stay relevant.
4. The ability to mix two or more songs
Two is more than enough. Essentially, let a song play to the end and then press ‘next’. You have then successfully established a ‘set’ and earned the right to jump on the decks at the next party! Level up yo!
5. Eating pizza at the White Rabbit and sharing the post on Facebook!
Going to the White Rabbit on a weekday and getting the two-for-one pizza is a 2nd and 3rd year debutante ball. Mark your territory as a pizza-loving-friend-haver by sharing your location on Facebook for all to see! Alternatively, just pop outside to the garden area, lift your right leg 45º and piss all over the decking.
6. Dietary requirements
If you like all food, even the gross food like cottage cheese and tuna melts, pretend you don’t. Being difficult is quirky and sexy.
7. Weeknights at the Brass Pig!
It stinks of crap, it’s loud and antisocial inside and the smoking area is always harshly lit and overcrowded. Be sure to go there with a group of 8 or more friends you went to school with for a G&T.
8. An Instagram story of you closing all the tabs you have open
No one really cares what work you’re doing, what you’re watching or what you’re buying and most people clear their tabs when they no longer require access to that particular page. That is all the more reason to video yourself closing them all down to help build a repertoire of relatable social media content!
9. Hating popular things that make others happy
If something is successful or brings joy to the every day man, condition yourself to hate it because it no longer has any cultural capital. This includes dabbing, music by Little Mix, all styles of trainers and smiling when you pass someone you know on the street.
10. Uploading photos of people you’re not friends with
Take and upload photos of friends AND friends of friends of friends so that you have loads of people to tag in your next album. Take photos of strangers too! If you like the look of someone else’s pictures, just screenshot them and upload them as your own, it doesn’t even matter if you have mutual friends or not.
11. Brag about how much work you’re not doing
Do make sure you’re doing the work, though; to a very high standard with thorough preparation and vigilant proofreading. Just say that you haven’t started yet when asked by friends and acquaintances! It suggests both superiority and that graduate prosperity and the burden of tuition fees don’t apply to you. That’s cool.
12. Being rude
The zenith of social status. A self-explanatory but fundamental principle in maintaining an air of arrogance and unfriendliness. Squash your shyness and desire for approval by blanking people, dragging them around by the scruff of their neck and spitting on the carpet.