Merciful dissertation tutor shoots student in head instead of giving feedback

An overly compassionate dissertation tutor decided to take matters into his own hands this week and shoot history student Tommy Smith in the back of the head to avoid giving him his dissertation feedback. Many are commending the tutor’s brave decision, arguing that a ‘mercy killing’ was the kindest thing to be done, given the circumstances.

The benevolent professor in question thought it was best to ‘put the poor bugger out of his misery.’ He told The Whip that he briefly considered handing in Tommy’s feedback, but quickly decided against it, thinking it morally abhorrent when more humane options were available.

“There was simply no hope for Tommy, or his dissertation,” the professor told our reporter, “the entire thing was an absolute shit-show. Via a bullet to the temple I know, in my heart, that Tommy died a happy man.”

Upon hearing the news, Tommy’s parents briefly considered pressing charges for the brutal execution of their son, but quickly decided against it after reading the savage feedback. In a statement yesterday, Mr and Mrs Smith remarked that there ‘exists no doubt’ in their minds as to whether Tommy’s dissertation, or Tommy himself, could’ve been saved.

The newly sonless couple agreed that a painless bullet to the back of the head was far more compassionate than the prolonged agony of receiving the constructive criticism on offer, citing his ‘awfully worded introduction’ and ‘substandard use of source material’ as confirmation that his tutor had done the right thing.