the whip

Student cooking pancakes on Shrove Tuesday burns down house in time for Ash Wednesday

A Student in Cotham has been praised for their impeccable logistical and organisational skills after they managed to burn their house down just in time for Ash Wednesday.

The blaze, which took light this morning after three litres of Aunt Bessy’s extra flammable pancake batter was spilt all over the kitchen stove, should reduce the entirety of the undergraduate’s abode to a pile of lifeless carbon in preparation for Christianity’s only midweek festival, which is set to take place tomorrow.

“The funny thing is, people think it was an accident” explained the man in question, James Harringale, a second year chemistry student.

“They think it was a typically irresponsible student, forgetting how to conduct themselves in a kitchen – that was our neighbour’s reaction at least. It’s those kind of pre-judgements that hurt the most.”

He laughed “In reality, I did it because of deeply held Christian beliefs that have been in my family for generations. You get so many posers and fakers these days jumping on the ‘Shrove Tuesday’ bandwagon, but where are they 24 hours later when there’s a God to be praised and ash to be made? probably bored of Jesus and already busy hijacking someone else’s culture, fucking freeloaders.”

Despite the damage, James’ flatmates were supportive of his choice:

“We had a lovely Shrove Tuesday. I’m Jewish and Karim is Muslim, so it’s nice for us to properly participate in a Christian festival other than Christmas for once” remarked Sarah Holtby. “But when James told us we had to plaster the kitchen in Pancake Batter and Petrol, I felt honoured. I never thought I’d be able to experience a REAL Ash Wednesday!”