Student opens coal mine to boost global warming and ensure good summer

After the hottest day in February on record the UK saw an astonishing increase in the widespread consumption of flavoured ciders and the number of Instagram stories specifying the temperature for those who had somehow failed to notice.

Binge drinking was relocated from poorly-lit living rooms to overcrowded patches of grass. Reports of the weather reaching a remarkable 19 degrees resulted in the entire nation abandoning all responsibility. Kent became the new Kavos, Tonbridge Wells Tenerife. Euphoria spread across the entirety of the country.

However, some savvy students realised a terrifying, unspoken reality: global warming had caused the heatwave. The arrival of Storm Freya has only compounded these concerns.

The Whip spoke to second year innovator Zena Thomson, who claims she has taken matters into her own hands, and is “singlehandedly addressing the catastrophe”.

“In order to prevent further temperature turmoil, I’m opening a coal mine” she explained. “I just think what we all need is a bit of consistency. Everyone wants a long hot summer, and I’m a woman of the people. I just want society to have what it deserves.

“I see it as my own modern take on socialism. Boost CO2, accelerate global warming, what do you get? Bangin’ summer, that’s what. Jobs up. Vibes up. Everyone’s a winner. It’s gonna be like the World Cup again. Bangin’.”

The University are yet to comment on Thomson’s admittedly revolutionary idea.