In an unpredictable turn of events last night, the University’s leading sportsman, Saturday’s-for-the-boys Boi won The Whip’s Alternative LUU Elections and was officially crowned the worst person in Leeds.
This morning The Whip was able to prise the chino clad Boi away from his mates and hold a brief interview regarding his immediate response to the election result.
The Whip: Where were you when you found out you’d won?
Saturday’s-for-the-boys Boi: I’d just got back from training and was cooking dinner – three plain chicken breasts with plain rice and broccoli, also plain – and then one of the boys put it on the lads group chat. I got roasted for a bit, some quality banter was flying around, and then when everyone had calmed down we decided to fuck off to Akmal’s for a celebratory end of (campaign) season curry.
Did it shock you that it was an all-male final?
Frankly, I don’t spend enough time with girls anyway to know what they’re like. They piss me off in Fruity when they spurn my advances, so maybe if ‘Frigid-fruity slag’ had run they’d have made it all the way.
You won by quite a margin, do you really think you’re really that much worse than the other two finalists?
In all honesty, yes. The other two are flawed, don’t get me wrong. Mullet Boy is pretentious and riddled with contradictions about whether they want to come across rich or not. Drum ‘N’ Boi is annoying and gassed and somehow manages to bring every conversation back to drugs. But these don’t inconvenience people on a daily basis like I do.
Mullet Boy would never make someone cry in a seminar; Drum ‘N’ Boi wouldn’t have the sheer cheek to go to Akmal’s, drink a dirty pint of vindaloo and Carling, throw it up again then refuse to pay; and neither of them would think wearing a tie and chinos would give them the authority to throw VKs at randomers on Wednesday nights.
What do you intend to do now that you’ve won?
Dunno, probably have a wank then start chopping pints before Mischief.