The King Billy, one of Exeter’s best-loved watering holes, is the most recent victim of the University’s accommodation expansion. Those shocked by its untimely demise should look away now: here are 8 more premium locations rumoured to be at high risk of conversion into soulless student flats.
1. Exeter Cathedral
Old fashioned, conventionally attractive, and bit underwhelming for the price tag, Exeter Cathedral perfectly matches the aesthetic of a Holland Hall resident, making it the obvious next step for second-year mass-migration. Sir Steve Smith is reportedly in talks with the archbishop to fit a helipad – and wouldn’t it be lovely to see uni fees diverted towards something that really matters?
2. Your second home in southern France
Well – if you all insist on inheriting villas within a 1/2 mile of the coast, you’ve only yourselves to blame. Set to be Exeter’s fourth study campus, it’s already succeeded in producing more famous alumni than Penryn. Initial concerns that locals may be opposed to the development have subsided after a spokesperson suggested that even loud, drunk students are less obnoxious than your parents.
3. The entirety of Plymouth
Following a recent study that revealed their most famous alumni was a man arrested in Worksop for shouting ‘you’re an Arab’ at an Indian man, Plymouth came under fire for being an ‘unspeakably terrible place in every respect’. Fear not, the cunning folks at UoE have moved swiftly to capitalise. Construction – or rather, destruction – work has already begun, with locals describing the change as ‘a marked improvement’ with many excited at the chance of being re-homed far, far away.
4. Olympus Mons, Mars
The recent tragic end to the Mars rover’s tenure is said to be linked to its discovery of a number of spacious studio flats on the red planet. Steve Smith was approached for comment but was too busy at lunch with NASA officials, likely discussing which slope of Mars’s mountain might create the most productive living space. If rumours are to be believed, regular space-shuttle bus service will operate between the south side of Olympus Mons and the bottom of Forum Hill.
5. The Cloud
Banking on some tech breakthroughs at some point in construction, the Uni has announced the Cloud as its fifth new location for student living. Pricing in at just £4.99 per month per gigabyte of consciousness uploaded, the Cloud is definitely the cheapest second or third-year option. Other benefits abound: forget about the physical realm, all your possessions, memories and ideas are now expressed as a long list of zeroes and ones! Forget living in a rubbish location – the Uni can beam you to any corner of the earth in milliseconds. And blimmin’ forget the loved ones you’ll leave behind in this world – they’ll be uploaded too in a few decades!
The famous landmark has long stumped historians, who have debated on who built it, why they did and how it was done. Recent findings, though, have remarkably suggested that it is the site of an unfinished Unite Students building project, which is due to be picked up again owing to increasing demand. ‘Druid House’ is due for completion in 2021.
If those new locations seem a bit soulless, lucky you – the University has also bought up that guy from your course’s house! The gaff, which already houses Joe (or whatever he is called) and his five mates, is set to be upgraded into a bills-included 720 person mega block. Blueprints show 120 students per room, packed horizontally into a “high-density living jigsaw” and being fed via a complex system of tubes. If you haven’t made enough friends yet at uni, these are the digs for you!
Undergoing the greatest transformation of all, Old Lafrowda (currently acting as) is due to begin a decade-long ‘deep cleanse’ process aimed at purging the building of all asbestos, ketamine, and swine flu. Combined with a projected five-year fumigation, Old Lafrowda (or New New Lafrowda, as it’s due to be christened) should be ready to spark joy rather than fires by 2034.