The results of a long term investigation by an independent commission were released earlier this morning detailing the lengths medical students are taking to finance their studies in the wake of NHS cuts.
The study, published by an esteemed research group lead by medical expert Professor James Rankin, revealed that significantly higher numbers of students are ‘turning to public strip displays in order to gain some cold, hard cash money’ than ever before, with some even congregating in large groups to financially maximise their output.
The healthcare thinktank were quick to point the causal finger towards 10 Downing Street, blaming NHS cuts for ‘plunging thousands of promising young people into economic uncertainty, with no thought towards the future’. Several researchers voiced their ‘grave concerns for student health and well-being’ and that ‘this was the worst figures in twenty years’.
We spoke to head of the investigation Professor Rankin, who has spent fifteen years compiling data on this topic, to get his take on the frankly harrowing situation.
“It brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘on the grind’, doesn’t it?” explained Professor Rankin. “Do you get it? Cause it’s like the daily grind as in ‘earning money’ but also GRINDING like the sexy dancing? Honestly, when I realised that in last Friday’s afternoon brief, I lit almost spat my coffee all over the indescribably harrowing statistics we’d spent a decade compiling. So jokes. imagine if they’d been all soggy for the press briefing.”
He continued, “initially I started this project with an deep urge to fight the burning injustices we see today in the medical education sector and a team that would not stop until they’re quashed, but now I’m entirely focused on coming up with a witty title for the study that somehow incorporates this ‘grind’ pun.”
Determined to see the positives, the senior academic concluded “at least when they ask patients to ‘just pop their clothes off and sit on the couch’ they’ll have some idea of how that feels. It might improve empathy. Fuck it, let them strip. Why not. Can we re-do that press briefing?”