A traumatic group assignment is leaving one undergraduate, Chuka Umuna, feeling admittedly downtrodden. His presentation team have managed to completely evade each other both physically and digitally for the past three weeks, making absolutely no progress with their project.
Sources say that Chuka’s last interaction with the gang were when they vetoed his idea to discuss the benefits of neoliberalism for their presentation, a decision that was made ‘in a fit of lefty lunacy’.
“Look I know that class struggle is ‘sexy’ now or whatever, but I really felt like we should have played it safe” explained the Member of Parliament for Streatham.
The no longer-labour MP has responded to claims that the presentation ‘won’t nearly be ready on time’ with the statement that his original group had been ‘ferociously hijacked by left-wing ideologues’ and that he’s ‘had to start from scratch with this new lot so might apply for an extension.’
The current group have apparently refused to consider the ex-shadow secretary for business’s sensible and logical academic ideas, but are rumoured to eventually have compromised in other areas by agreeing to wear suits for presentation day and by including a few dozen more secondary sources. The latter, Chuka laments, may be the only thing to save the presentation from ‘total and utter failure’.
“Jason may despise me for asking him to remove his fingerless gloves but just because I don’t get my protein from plants or my news from alternative media outlets, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve respect.” He added shortly after “wearing suits might be the only thing that saves us.”
After presenting day draws nearer, there seems little hope for Chuka and his new pals.