The Whip has discovered that a student wearing a Sixth Form leaver’s hoodie also has packed lunches made by their mother and sent from West London. William Costen-John was spotted this morning outside Senate House munching on a pack of Lunchables whilst trying to trade Match Attax cards with innocent strangers.
This latest finding is part of a wider study of Higher Education Regression or ‘Big Schoolitus’, a vicious cycle in which students cling to former, childlike versions of themselves and are thus unable to adapt to life at university.
The Whip caught up with John and some of his ‘friends’ as they were attempting to play hopscotch on the no-smoking signs outside the ASS: ‘Yeah it’s just that like, in Sixth Form, everything was kind of okay, and my mum was always there. Now I have to make and do stuff myself. I don’t like it.’ said Bethany Tether, currently working towards a PhD in Linguistics.
Surprisingly, research at the university has found that it can be difficult to diagnose those with Higher Education Regression (HER), as every student suffers from it to some extent. According to our sources this explains many of student’s long term habits which often mirror those of children including excessive nap taking, dependence on name-brand cereals and medication of emotional trauma through Disney soundtracks and noughties bops.
HER can here be seen to contrast the phenomenon of Bristolian Identity Disorder, in which individuals at the university attempt to erase all parts of their former selves, adopt a croaky Kensington accent and spend hours negotiating the layers of their outfits.