Today, a Leeds student has secured cohesive cross-party harmony in the Brexit negotiations after unintentionally creating a fool-proof plan for exiting the European Union during a Modafinil-fuelled study bender. His move has produced a state of previously un-salvageable calm in the UK.
Francis Curmudgeon, a second-year student, took renowned study drug Modafinil to write a 4000-word essay on the hive mentality of the termite, and in the post-hand in euphoria felt he may as well tackle Britain’s generation defining constitutional crisis.
“So, I whacked out the essay in 45 mins, sorted. Then I thought I’d give the hob a scrub, arrange the spice rack, you know keep myself focused.
“I had a scroll of Twitter and saw everyone banging on about this ‘meaningful vote’ malarkey. It got me thinking, if simple termites can work together to organise a complex network of tunnels and conduits in order maintain movement, ventilation and food distribution, surely a bunch of actual humans can come to some sort of pragmatic compromise regarding Brexit.
“So that’s what I did. I’m not totally certain what I wrote as I was still pretty charged on daffies, but I emailed it to Jean-Claude, he forwarded it to Theresa and now it looks like we’ve finally got progress.”
Indeed, Francis put forward his plan that very evening, which has now extraordinarily secured cross party support and approval from Brussels, as well as a wealth of job offers for when he graduates.
“What my future career holds? I don’t know,” Francis admitted. “To be honest, I’m just glad the pound’s bounced back because it’ll save on jagers for the ski trip.”