the whip

“Does anyone want anything from the shop?” whispers second year half way down the road

Despite whispering at decibels only thought to be heard by bats, Harriet Diffuser still found herself being swarmed by requests for milk, washing powder, crisps, riz and fizz, a couple of beers and some tea whilst on her way the shops.

Whilst the second year was lugging back their requests, we caught up with one of her housemates. Tom Biscuit, a frequent request maker and physics student, is interested in studying the frequencies of Harriet’s voice.

“It’s all rather fascinating. Sometimes she is impossible to hear,” he explained, “but this morning I could sense something in the air; once I heard the door bang my ears pricked, and I heard her question from 4 doors down, loud and clear. I hurtled after her with my list in hand. I’m pretty much out of everything so it was such a relief.”

When Harriet eventually got back after her second trip, she gave us her take on the situation.

“I’m still amazed they heard me. In the first weeks of term, I was silly enough to get into a routine, I was trying out lots of new vegan recipes and having so many dinner parties that a few extra things didn’t seem to matter,” she remarked tearfully, “little did I know it would become an everyday thing – the requests just seem to pile up.”

She continued, “I’ve taken to hiding my bags for life under my jumper and trying to sneak out when they’re not looking. When I’m walking down the street I keep my head down and try not to engage in fear I’ll bump into one of them. It’s a painful existence.

“Last week I made it to the end of the road because one of them came running after me shouting ‘tea’ and threw some rather grubby looking coins at me. They could have been euros for all I knew. They probably were, knowing Cordelia.”