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Writers for The Mancunion mistake themselves for proper newspaper

A real travesty.

The Whip has received reports that The Mancunion is in a permanent state of self-denial, as writers continue to misunderstand the status of their student-led university newspaper.

Our investigative team went undercover to lay bare the identity crisis plaguing their office, ironically labelled ‘The Newsroom’.

Despite not being paid, the editorial staff have been observed screaming and are reported to have thrown chairs at one junior writer who failed to hand in his article on an inside scoop regarding the University’s best study spots.

“Go down there and get your foot in the door,” shouted one co-editor, while smoking a cigarette in the office and stroking his braces, “And don’t come back without a real story, you moronic, incapable little shit!”

In an exclusive interview, the same co-editor stated, “The Mancunion is one of the mightiest powers in the world – in fact, I can’t think of anything with more might – except perhaps the pen itself. Yes, we may push our staff: not letting them eat, sleep or piss until we are satisfied. But this is what the public wants and needs.”

The Whip can confirm that, aside from the editorial team and their parents, there have been no reported sightings of the public reading The Mancunion.

A restaurant reviewer for the publication, who wished to remain anonymous for protection reasons, said, “I heard you get free meals if you write reviews of restaurants for them, and it’s supposed to look good on a CV, so I applied. What a mistake. Now I have been forced to live in every restaurant for at least a week to make sure I don’t miss anything ‘important’. I can’t even eat the meals until I’ve written the article, which is a bit counterproductive.”

The cause of this confusion may be attributed to the large sum invested by the University in student media, for which a floor of the Students’ Union has been repurposed. The colourful bean bags and wide oak benches may have incited a sense of professionalism, in stark contrast to reports from many student houses that the newspaper is kept by the toilet in case of emergency.

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