Squirrel’s employ Factory bouncers ahead of St. Patrick’s Day celebrations

What could go wrong?

Squirrel’s Bar have today released a statement explaining that they will be employing Factory’s original bouncers this Sunday.

After last year’s legendary brawl, the local watering hole has made it clear that no such violence will occur this time.

Those who witnessed the fight described it as “fucking hilarious” and “simply unbelievable”.

A spokesman for the UK’s most underwhelming bar spoke to The Whip, saying, “We plan on keeping violence to an absolute minimum, and student safety will be the top priority.

“We felt we need bouncers who can absolutely prevent a situation from becoming out of hand, and Factory’s security seemed like the natural choice.”

Squirrel’s has previously been known to accommodate extreme levels of testosterone and egotism, with some punters suggesting the Strongbow Dark Fruits on draft is the main culprit.

With the intervention of the Factory bouncers, the bar are hoping that senseless violence and moronic behaviour from young males will begin to diminish.

“We are optimistic that by implementing a security system of such a high standard, Squirrel’s will no longer be seen as a venue which accommodates ‘lads’ desperately trying to confirm their masculinity.”

We questioned former Factory bouncer Keith Paxton on his approach to the high art of door security. His approach, he said, is straightforward and simple.

“What it really boils down to is control. Control the situation by getting the individual into a vulnerable position, then proceed to kick the living daylight out of them. Got to ensure there’s no risk of them hurting anyone, you know. My motto is ‘take no chances: they can’t knock you out if you’ve already killed them.'”

Ahead of the celebrations, many students are practicing pretending to like Guinness and rehearsing their “I’m actually 1/32 Irish” speeches.

One student informed The Whip, “I don’t even know who Paddy is. I just want a photo of me punching someone to make it onto FSG.”



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