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Student tries to drink self into qualifying for Irish passport

A swift pint and dual citizenship please.

This week’s stiff fix of Brexit breakdowns, Trumpian tweets, and heated SU elections has been a bitter cocktail for students to swallow. However, one Bristol undergraduate has found a smooth, if very hoppy, solution to her worries for the nation’s fate.

Emily Theakston intends to escape the chaos of modern Britain altogether, and to seek a better life in the rolling hills of the Irish Republic, with a dual citizenship. To do this, the politics student has set aside her sense of national pride and grabbed several pints of Guinness with all of her hands.

“I just want to get one thing clear; I am NOT one of those pretentious wankers who claims they’re Irish because their Great Uncle’s manservant’s sister’s cousin twice removed was Irish. Honestly, I’m just desperate for an escape.

“It’s St Patrick’s Day today, and I’m hoping that if I can prove my understanding and love of Irish culture, I can get taken in by the government as one of their own.”

She paused to gag over the taste of her pint before continuing, “The thing is, I adore Guinness. I spend many an evening attempting to explain its merit to the philistines around me. But they all just stare back at me blankly, sip on their pale ales in roll neck sweaters, and probably miss their mums. No one seems to appreciate its silky yet weighty flavour like me.”

She again paused, this time to burp, “I know it’s a long shot, but maybe this is my ticket to fitting into Irish society and escaping all woes of British life.”

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