While the church is no stranger to public scandals, the latest news to come out of the Diocese of Bristol has come as a shock to inhabitants of the UoB’s North Residential Village.
The Whip understands that the decision has been made to demote Stoke Bishop to the rank of Stoke Reverend, due to reports of students engaging in drug abuse, pre-marital sex and further unspecified immorality.
Inspectors were sent from the Diocese to investigate Stoke Bishop. Holy adjudicator Margaret Clegg spoke with The Whip about exactly what they’re dealing with:
“How this atrocious place ever achieved the rank of Stoke Bishop baffles me. We arrived on a Monday evening, and the first thing that greeted us was a queue of people, who naturally we assumed were lining up to receive the sacrament of the Eucharist,” she explained humbly. “Little did we know these drunken students were in fact waiting to board a bus into town, where they would drink and fraternise into the early hours. I was frankly appalled that this could happen in a place of God.”
The inspectors were to discover that this was barely the tip of the iceberg. After being taken on a tour of the student accommodation itself, Margaret’s team released a statement on site:
‘After mustering up the courage of Christ to enter the bar of a notoriously immoral accommodation, Paddock Hall, I was immediately reminded of a particular passage from the Bible, that of Isaiah 28:8 – ‘For all the tables are full of filthy vomit, without a single clean place.’ May the Lord rest their souls.’
Reports from the scene suggested Margaret then broke into tears after recounting seeing 5 rugby players drinking their own piss out of a font that had been placed in Wills Hall.
Summarising her overall thoughts on the former Stoke Bishop, she managed some final, angry words before leaving the area for good. “These ne’er-do-wells will pay for their sins. You better believe they will. And if they don’t pay for it in hell, you can be sure they’ll pay for it with a lack of serotonin and poor job prospects.”
Evidently, the freshers of Stoke Reverend have some work to do if they ever want to see the reinstatement of its former title.