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Student in dry patch still thinking about brief spoon in Ali G doors

Risqué in the library.

Despite university often being associated with rife sexual activity, research has shown that many are still struggling to maintain a steady sex life.

Involuntary celibacy, otherwise known as a ‘dry patch’, is a growing crisis amongst students. The Whip interviewed one such individual, an English Literature student who wished to remain anonymous.

The third year student told us how his current dry spell has started to affect him.

“I don’t feel myself; it’s been over five months now and almost anything gives me the horn,” he confided.

“University has become a minefield of stuttering and inadvertent boners. It’s a nightmare. I can’t concentrate in lectures. I was even distracted by a particularly firm pair of oranges in Sainsbury’s.”

The shagless 21-year-old mentioned a recent close encounter which left him overwhelmed and blue-balled. The incident occurred just minutes after a late night revision session in the AGLC entrance.

“Just as I entered the revolving doors, the anxiety hit me like a tonne of bricks, ‘Do I go solo or hop in with the person in front?’

“Panic got the better of me, and I jumped in with them at the last second.

“I didn’t want to get too close to the stranger, but equally I didn’t want to stay too far away and stop the doors from moving. The unfortunate logistics meant that we spooned for the entire revolution.

“Feeling the rising of the tide again, I feared a moment of embarrassment. Acting fast, I took a few deep breaths, and thought of Her Majesty the Queen. That did it.

“The unexpected physical contact has been all-consuming. It’s literally all I can think about.”

Our reporters could not track down the spinning-door seducer, and the abstinent student has resorted to submitting endless UoMLove posts, to no avail. It seems the brief moment of awkward shuffling will remain just that.

 

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