Dealers collaborate in new ‘Dealerveroo’ service to bring both dinner and drugs to your door

Exeter drug dealers have banded together in an innovative new scheme to make it easier to distribute right to their clients’ doors, all the while remaining inconspicuous.

Capitalising on the immense popularity of Deliveroo, many local dealers have signed up and traded in their blacked-out Audis for bikes, and both dealers and customers alike are said to be embracing the change.

One student we interviewed was ecstatic. “My entire student loan goes on Deliveroo and drugs, and I’ve always lamented the fact that I had to call two sets of people to get it sorted. Now I can get my GBK and a g of K from the same bloke. It’s easy!”

We interviewed the creator of the scheme, who refused to reveal his true identity but said many know him as Big Pat: “I don’t have to drive around my gas guzzler anymore so it’s better for the environment, and I’ve lost a lot of weight from cycling too. People are gonna start just calling me Pat.”

“I just turn up, give them a seatie to a nearby alleyway and we sort it there. Plus I’m getting paid for delivering the food too, there really are no losers. I think this works better for everyone.”

Deliveroo HQ were approached for comment and asked whether or not they had any plans to curb this misuse of their service, but after seeing the spikes in orders on nights where there’s an event on at Move, The Whip understands they are going to at least wait till after Hijacked to intervene.