Naive first year mugged by Piccadilly Gardens pigeons
First year Robbie Davis was robbed while walking through Piccadilly Gardens by flock of thieving pigeons yesterday. The birds were flying in formation when they stole his wallet, cracked iPhone, and dignity. The Whip caught up with Davis to discuss the traumatic experience.
“I’ve acted like I love grime music for ages, in order to meet new people and impress everyone. I’ve only just made real friends. But now this has knocked my confidence so much, I’m gonna have to start again,” explained the fresher, quickly adding, “Wait, I mean I love grime music.”
The pigeon group goes by the name Fly Boyz – a gang formed after the recession hit and all carrier pigeons working for Royal Mail were made redundant. A spokesperson for The Fly Boyz informed us that the pigeons have been tormenting citizens in Piccadilly Gardens in order to make ends meet.
“They began by stealing food,” he explained, “which became a gateway for higher level crime. They’ve now branched out, stealing both valuable items and self-esteem.”
Reports reveal that the Fly Boyz have acquired thousands of pounds worth of goods: £100,000 in bus passes, £50,000 in vintage jean jackets from vegan hipsters, and an immeasurable amount of self confidence.
Greater Manchester Police have expressed their growing concern regarding the situation, while also stating their intentions to do absolutely nothing to address the crime crisis.
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