Desperate fresher adds rectal examination to shag chart

A Bristol Fresher well and truly hit rock bottom this week after shamelessly adding a tally to their shag chart column after a routine rectal examination.

Before arriving at university, Rob McAverage claims he was promised one thing above all else – sex. But with this promise cruelly broken by a combination of poor game and what a medical expert dubbed a ‘severe personality trait deficit’, the second year has had to ‘broaden his horizons of what it means to get laid’.

The undergraduate allegedly booked himself into the student health service complaining of ‘bowel issues’ last Thursday, and sure enough a woman was required to actually touch him. “I was aware that in order to impress the lads you normally need to be the one doing the penetrating” Rob recounted. “I think that’s it’s a needlessly restrictive criterion. Obviously I added the victory to the chart when I got back to the flat.”

We spoke to the Engineering student on Sunday to find out more about his decision:

“We’re a very competitive house” Rob explained. “Seven strapping lads, each more full of protein than the next. We compete over everything – FIFA, 5-a-side, 11-a-side, FIFA. Even with the wid variety, were hungry for something different.”

He continued “It was during last Tuesday afternoon that the lads devised a truly original competition, to begin a shag chart. Monty Gymstalot fired out some great craic, giving himself a tick immediately. A lucky lady had apparently slipped between his sheetless duvet and mattress a mere night before. I was down before I’d started.”

As the term dragged on, we learnt that Mr. McAverage fell further and further behind. Several sources confirmed his flatmate’s actions over the following weeks were ‘fucking rank’, with other, more privately schooled sources claiming they ‘slayed many a woman with three minutes of clumsy missionary, sometimes are frequently as tri-weekly.’

“You see what I’m competing against? I HAVE to get creative” snivelled Rob. “I have a M.O.T. next week and if they tamper with the exhaust pipe I’m adding that too.”