Categories
Leeds

Desperate students resort to shooting up outside libraries after University bans smoking on campus

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Just last week, the University of Leeds contradicted the old idiom ‘there’s no smoke without fire’ by declaring Leeds a vaping only, cigarette free campus. This new drive has provoked outrage and dismay amongst students, as well as a begrudging realisation in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence that their favourite pastime isn’t that good for them or the environment.

Yet, when faced with adversity and told they’re no longer welcome on campus, the more hardcore of the so called ‘cig-heads’ have resorted to what they are calling a ‘peaceful protest against a totalitarian regime’ – a select group of students have decided to replace smoking a blem with an intravenous injection of hard drugs.

Second year English student, Melania Quincy-Smythe, contacted The Whip to explain the reasoning behind this decision.

“After an hour of unfocused work in the library, a cigarette is the perfect thing to jolt me back to life thanks to all the highly addictive chemicals designed to do just that. With smoking now banned, heroin is by far the most cost-effective stress reliever out there, Rescue Remedy just doesn’t cut it anymore.”

However, Melania is hopeful that this change has the potential to breed positive results.

“Samuel Taylor-Coleridge, Hunter S Thompson, Jack Kerouac, Truman Capote – these are just a few pre-eminent writers who were pretty much always smacked out on anything they could get their hands on. Why can’t it be the same for me? Apart from the obvious gulf in talent and skill?”

In lieu of this new fad, the University has opened the decision up to consultation in order to gauge possible alternatives to the no-smoking policy, after the initial announcement was met with a reaction that a University spokesman likened to “dropping your trousers at a baptism and shitting in the holy water.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *