3am cashpoint advice slip just says, ‘Go home.’

‘You’re done here’

A recent development in the field of ATMs, or Automated Teller Machines to you or I, is that they offer their customers ‘advice slips’ after transactions. A late night transactor, Amelia Titchfield, received a sobering but nonetheless sage piece of advice from her cash machine when it told her to call it an evening, as she’d done enough.

In the early hours of last Sunday morning, the drunken undergrad was seen stumbling haphazardly towards the cash machine by the 24-hour Sainsburys in Hyde Park. Whilst the purpose of her trip has not been confirmed, speculation among the student community suggests it may have been to fulfil an immoral purchase. Titchfield exclusively commented to The Whip on this curious turn of events.

“To be honest, it was a blessing in disguise. There I was, eyes firmly set on an 11am bedtime, a huge afters was ahead of me, a welcome distraction from the banality of daytime sobriety and my utterly mundane existence. But in a moment I will never forget, the ATM became the voice of reason usually offered by my mother, or a therapist.

“When the devil had been whispering in my ear all night, this cash machine told me the words I really needed to hear: go home Amelia,  you’re done here.”

A university spokesperson said, “It’s cash machines like this that are the therapists of the future and hopefully the end of the University’s drug problem. If any wisdom is to be imparted to drunken revellers its best to come from computers built into the sides of buildings, filled with cash. It just makes sense.”

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