Exmouth residents ‘can’t wait’ for their town to be overrun with obnoxious drunk students

Who wouldn’t embrace it?

A spokesperson for Exmouth town council has expressed the entire town’s gratitude at the expected arrival of dozens upon dozens of drunk, littering students. The Whip were present at the announcement:

“I think I speak for the entire population when I say there is no time that our small town feels more homely than when the sun comes out and suddenly you can’t set foot on the beach due to empty bottles and disused BBQs,” said Councilwoman Andrea Rees.

The cheap train ride to Exmouth and proximity of St David’s station to the Impy upon return is a tantalising recipe for ‘an all-day sesh’, which locals all agreed is ‘incredibly cool.’

“I think it’s a brilliant time of year,” mused Janice Tanner, 73, who retired to Exmouth. “There’s never such a crippling reminder of my frailty and distant youth than seeing life flaunted by people running around on the beach swigging Rekorderlig at 11am.

“It’s really helped broaden my cultural horizons,” added Janice, “I used to only listen to Jim Reeves and Glen Campbell, but after hearing 14 competing speakers in a 100m stretch of beach I’ve really warmed to Ariana Grande, Loyle Carner and Mall Grab.”

Plans for a statue to commemorate the wonderful effect of students on the community are in motion, with the current frontrunner design being ‘Absolute Ledge’: a tall boy sporting a polo hat and wearing lacrosse stash, sporting a tinnie in one hand and a spatula in the other.

The statue will be funded, we are told, from the revenue generated from alcohol sales that the seafront Budgens has seen since the sun came out last weekend.

We at The Whip are glad the money is being used to depict such a harmonious relationship.

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