Theresa May panicking over deal chooses just ham, ready salted and bottle of Evian

Disaster-prone PM Theresa May was seen frantically panicking in Co-op today after struggling to decide on a meal deal combination ‘that works for everyone.’

The scenes come just a few days after the prime minister’s second attempt at passing a Brexit deal through the House of Commons was resoundingly voted down.

Today’s events have caused several members of parliament to question her credentials both as leader and lunch buyer, with Michael Gove commenting that he’s “never going to ask her to ‘surprise him’ when she’s doing the food run again.”

We managed to catch up with Mrs. May as she stood stoically in the sandwich aisle:

“I want a sandwich that reflects the will of the people. My interpretation is that the will of the people is ‘Just ham’. They’re sick of all these party politics – they want it plain and simple. It’s also 5p.m., I left it way too late to get lunch and all of the nice stuff has gone. It’s still what they want though.”

She continued, “everyone likes cheese and onion right? That’s a good flavour isn’t it? What if there’s salt and vineg- oh, there isn’t? Fair, and no prawn cockta- none of them as well? I guess it’ll- wait there’s no cheese and onion either? For fuck’s sake.”

“The drink is the easy bit – bottle of Evian. Probably because Brexit has been so ‘Evian-d Long to deal with! Hahaha, nah, but seriously, I’m gonna need to double the NHS’s funding just so I can put myself through therapy after this astronomical shit storm is over. Or maybe I’ll go private? Oo. I’ll probably go private. Boris says BUPA works wonders.”

Releasing a statement after leaving Co-op, the Conservative leader said:

“Some said I was going to leave here without a deal. But I proved them wrong. What I have here is a deal that is going to last us all the way ‘til dinner time. I also found some garlic ciabatta in the reduced section that we can share, if you like. We’ll have to eat it raw though, the oven is broken.”