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Manchester

Withington muggers to suspend operations until next student loan drops

Times are tough.

The lead up to the next loan installation has proved problematic for many local thieves, whose main source of income derives from the student population.

Ahead of the tensely anticipated Easter payment, muggers circulating Fallowfield and Withington have had to suspend operations owing to economic standstill.

There has been a stark rise in the unemployment figures, as many of the robbers find themselves targeting students with nothing left to give – to whom they refer as “useless pricks.”

A spokesman for the Scrote Society, eager to remain anonymous, agreed to speak with The Whip. “Normally we pride ourselves on our performance, our high success rate and consistent effectiveness,” he explained.

“But this time of year always hits us hard. After Christmas we see a boom in trade which quickly diminishes towards March and April as we inch towards a micro recession.

“When the loan installation comes through though, money supply will increase, which will boost our gross income, and really make our jobs worth doing again.

“Students should budget their money instead of spending it all on Deliveroo. They’d have a lot more to offer us at this time of year, instead of being the selfish skint bastards that they are.

“There’s a direct correlation between the shrinking cash flow among students and our job satisfaction. I really would urge any students to consider how their rash actions affect our economic climate. They’re putting more of us out of business every day.”

He went on to add, through muffled sobs, “It’s not just about the financial gain. It’s about our own sense of self worth too.”

You can donate to the Scrote Society today by walking home alone after 6 p.m. They have informed us that donations can be made anywhere in south Manchester, but their preferred donation point is dark, sparsely populated alleyways.

 

 

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