3am cashpoint advice slip just says, ‘Go home.’

‘You’re done here’

A recent development in the field of ATMs, or Automated Teller Machines to you or I, is that they offer their customers ‘advice slips’ after transactions. A late night transactor, Charlotte Mulvey, received a sobering but nonetheless sage piece of advice from her cash machine when it told her to call it an evening, as she’d done enough.

In the early hours of last Sunday morning, the drunken undergrad was seen stumbling haphazardly towards the cash machine at Sidwell Street McColl’s after an event at Phoenix last Saturday. Whilst the purpose of her trip has not been confirmed, speculation among the student community suggests it may have been to fulfil an immoral purchase. Charlotte exclusively commented to The Whip on this curious turn of events.

“To be honest, it was a blessing in disguise. My jaw was already chopping like mad so I either wanted something to mellow me out or at least put it to work by shoving a doner in there. I just wanted to continue escaping the banality of daytime sobriety and my utterly mundane existence. But in a moment I will never forget, the ATM became the voice of reason usually offered by my mother, or a therapist.”

“When the devil had been whispering in my ear all night, this cash machine told me the words I really needed to hear: go home Charlotte, you’re done here.”

A university spokesperson said, “It’s cash machines like this that are the therapists of the future and we fully intend on diverting Wellbeing funding to the installation of dozens of new ATMs on campus. If any wisdom is to be imparted to drunken revellers its best to come from computers built into the sides of buildings, filled with cash. It just makes sense.”

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