Theresa May finally agrees to take her phone off the aux after two years of drum and bass


Theresa May has today agreed to relinquish her dictator-like control of the aux cord at the EU referendum after-party, held in the lower levels of the House of Commons, following 33 successive months of ear-shattering drum and bass.

The aux cord – which senior Tories have nicknamed “the Vince Cable”, owing to the ironic name of the Lib Dem leader and his notoriety as a shit speaker – was first plugged in to Theresa May’s phone at 6 a.m. on 24th June 2016, the morning after the fateful Brexit vote, and has been used to play incessant jump-up and liquid drum and bass ever since.

The change of selector came when erstwhile Prime Minister David Cameron, who was widely billed to be the DJ of choice for afters, stepped down from both office and the decks after playing The Killers’ All These Things That I’ve Done.

Speaking from the Drum and Basement, a spokesman for the current Prime Minister said, “Please get me out of here.”

“I can’t take any more of this awful music. Her playlist only has like 30 songs and half of them are Hybrid Minds. I’ve heard Bricks Don’t Roll seven-hundred times.

“The EU referendum was already so heavy. Tusky puts on a big bash. At afters I just wanted to bang some nos and listen to some lo-fi techno and house. Coming back here was a mistake; after seeing those gun fingers at the Tory party conference I should have known she was part of the junglist massive.”

It appears Mrs. May agreed to unplug the aux only when rebelling MPs listened to “one last meaningful song”.

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