Ex-state school student accidentally attends University of Manchester ski trip

The Whip has received reports that a state school-educated student made the grave mistake of purchasing a ticket for, and subsequently boarding the coach to, the SKUM x Val D’Isère 2019 Easter Ski Trip.

Speaking to The Whip by phone as her coach trundled towards Dover, the first year in question outlined how she realised her mistake.

“I’ve been on the slope a few times at SnoZone in Milton Keynes. I thought it was a right laugh, and I picked it up pretty quickly, so why not give it a try on real mountains?

“First mistake. I’ve barely heard anyone talk about skiing. It’s all ‘slushy après’, ‘get your tits out for the Alps’, and ‘nailing lines and shagging nines’. I thought I’d be getting some good hours in on my skis but apparently, it’s just a 1000-mile booze cruise under the guise of snow sports.

“The outfits are something else, too. I’ve got a black Nevica jacket and black salopettes which I thought was pretty normal attire. Everyone else has got those brightly coloured one-piece suits that I guess they inherited from their parents. I could be on tour with the cast of ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat’.

“But it’s really the people who made me realise I shouldn’t have come on this trip. They keep asking me where I’m from and where I went to school. When I say the same place for both answers, they look confused and ask me again. Someone called me a dirty Northerner because I’m from Milton Keynes.

“It’s a bit alienating. I don’t get the lingo. How can powder be ‘classic’? Surely it’s new snow?”