Student eco-warrior proves plastic kills wildlife by clubbing seagull to death with Tupperware

An environmentally concerned student has gone to extreme lengths to show the danger of plastic consumption by brutally killing a seagull with their lunchbox. Sal Muñez hammered home the point in front of his horrified flatmates after they returned from Wilkinson’s with yet another pack of plastic straws.

“I just, I just couldn’t take it any more. You know they sell paper straws in Wilko now? Why couldn’t they just buy the paper straws? Do they want the world to burn? Have they lost any moral wherewithal?!” Queried Muñez, washing gull blood off his hands.

This latest act of violence is part of a chain of incidents Bristol students are starting to term ‘The Enviromental Breakdown’, caused by an increasing state of anxiety and nihilism over the impending death of the planet.

Profound fear of apocalypse and general human shame has thus caused a pattern of aggressive acts, polarising individuals at the university and forming two distinct factions: The Superecos, defined by their self-righteousness and obsessive regulation of others’ recycling habits; and The Plastics, defined by their rampant consumerism and inability to feel.

The Whip spoke to psychologist and Orthodox Plastic Dr. Steve Right about ongoing tensions between the groups: “This nonsense about the enviroment has polluted individuals with a dark, oily mindset.

“Eco-politics is now a dangerously heated climate; we need to melt through these superstitions, and wade through the copious amounts of waste that they call research. It’s going to take a lot to reduce tensions, reuse conviction, and recycle this existential dread into pure happiness.”