A homesick second year has revealed to The Whip that he cannot wait to return home for the Easter break because he knows there is a full tub of Lurpak Spreadable butter waiting for him – with tiger bread to boot.
Lewis Holstream, History student and brand whore, has been blighted by financial troubles this semester. He has cut back spending everywhere he can, with much of his brand-heavy food cupboard replaced by budget alternatives like Wheat Bisks, Jive bars, and Oblongs – Harvest Morn’s take on Cadbury’s Squares.
Purchases the 20 -ear-old refuses to skimp on are tobacco – “Amber Leaf tastes like cardboard” – and alcoholic drinks, saying, “I’m a man of exquisite taste. I’ll only drink Shiraz; none of that cheap Lidl wine for me.”
Several arduous weeks of eating Norpak spread on Village Bakery sliced white have exacted a toll on Holstream.
“I’m at the end of my tether,” he told our reporters, “If I’m fooled by one more sneaky word-play in Lidl my whole food budget is going out the window. I’ll start doing my weekly shop in Sainos. Live fast, die young.
“I FaceTimed mum the other day and caught a glimpse of Lurpak on the counter. Next to it? Tiger bread, unsliced. Just waiting for me to cut a big hunk off then smother it in butter. If nectar is the drink of Gods, that is their food. The Easter break can’t come soon enough.”