A Bristol third year today secured the Champions League title in his seventh season of a FIFA 19 Career Mode as manager of Crawley Town FC. Andrew Drab, clad in a grey sweater and grey tracksuit bottoms, celebrated the occasion by splashing out on two Tesco ready meals for £4.
Drab, with little in the way of job prospects and nothing in the way of gumption, has said proudly that this might be his “most employable accolade to date.” The Whip, with all due respect, thinks that his pride makes the occasion even sadder.
Speaking in an interview, the idle student described himself as “Gassed,” continuing, “I’m unbelievably gassed. Who could see Crawley Town winning the Champo League? Me. I came. I saw. I murked Bayern shitmunchers. But I must admit, I couldn’t have done it without the backing of the club, the fans, and Kylian Mbappé’s unreal pace, honestly man, honestly, the scenes.
“It’s taken a lot of hours, I’m not even gonna lie. I’ve had to make sacrifices for the good of the club. I haven’t been to a lecture in five weeks and I’ve had to ask for financial support from my chairman, or ‘Mum’ as she keeps asking me to call her, 18 times.”
Yet, in spite of his lack of employability and bland personality, Drab is still optimistic about his future. “Everyone’s road to glory has to start somewhere. I’m on course for a low 2:1, I’ve never had a job before, and I’ve got no passions.
“So the current plan is to live with my chairman for four years, score a sub-par job at an office where no one knows my name, marry someone who likes our dogs more than me, mortgage the house, and spend my weeks looking forward to Thursday night 5-a-side. That’s my game plan and I intend to stick to it. We might have a couple of injuries and tactical subs along the way, but hey, I guess that’s life.”