‘This is still a better Friday night than Fruity,’ says Jesus, on cross

In a theological study that has sent shockwaves through the Christian world, a new extract from the bible has been uncovered which reveals Jesus Christ’s final uttering while being crucified.

Previous records suggested the Messiah’s last act before death was to fling his head back and cry: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” However, this new – and not uncontroversial report – has suggested that, soon after, the immortal words “this is still a better Friday night than Fruity”, slipped from The Redeemer’s parched lips.

The fallout from the report has been tumultuous.

Non-Leeds based Christians have been left frantically wondering what Fruity actually is.

The Vatican has issued a statement declaring that – seeing as the quote comes from Circa. 1 AD and Fruity did not start until roughly 2,000 years later – this was the Lamb of God’s greatest miracle.

And those within the uni are left pondering a key question: If Jesus – hailed as the all-loving, all-knowing Son of God who is seated at the right hand of the Father and will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead – has specifically said that going to Fruity is worse than being nailed to a cross and left to die, why do people still spend actual money going there almost every Friday night of the year?

The Whip contacted the event’s organisers to gauge their response to the new findings:

“We’ve had a lot of bad reviews over our time – you can’t please everyone. Obviously being slated by such a big name and potential influencer is a blow to us, but we have to contextualise it. He was dehydrated and pretty sure someone had put a spear in his side. These sort of comments have to be taken with a pinch of salt.

“Obviously we’ll take the criticism on board. But then you have to remember, the Only Living Son of God isn’t quite our target audience.”