Hundreds of students returning to Bristol from their Easter breaks were met with a horrific sight yesterday as they attempted to revise in their usual study space, the ASS.
The library, which provides a crucial space for students to talk uncomfortably loudly about their summer plans on stairwells, has had large portions of its seating removed for reasons that ‘cannot be disclosed to the student body at this stage.’
However, sources close to The Whip suggested that Vice-Chancellor and Supreme Overlord of South-West based academia Hugh Brady was in fact the architect behind this exam time disruption.
Fortunately, our reporter managed to secure an interview with him at his office. This was only agreed on the condition that Mr. Brady was allowed to ‘sit in the big chair’ and that ‘the main light was on the spooky setting’.
“I’ve been fed up to the back teeth with it for years” he finally revealed. “The students have been complaining about the lack of seating in the ASS since the dawn of my fucking premiership. Aggy twats.”
The psychological effects of their unreasonable desire for study space has clearly taken its toll on Hugh’s head. “For three years now I’ve been waking up screaming, sweating and writhing around in my 12 tog satin duvet cover as I go through the same student satisfaction survey nightmare over and over again” he explained. “It’s killing me.”
“And I know what you’re thinking – why not just provide more adequate library seating for students?” The Vice-Chancellor menacingly, placing his cigar back in his ash tray and gesturing for more whiskey.
“Fat chance I’ll be taking that straight road to spineless appeasement. That’s not the Brady way. And if you’re wondering what ‘the Brady way’ is – I’m taking the fucking seats. And the tables, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”
“Senate’s next. Then Life Sciences. I might just fucking nuke Grace Reeves as well, see how I’m feeling. Who knows. This is just the beginning.”