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‘I just wish I’d gone on that three day bender,’ says financially stable, employable third year on track for a first

Missed opportunities.

While students may well regret having wasted too much time or money during their years at university, one level-headed third year Economics student, James Lindsay, has found himself with the opposite problem.

Reflecting on his time at university, James spoke to The Whip about how his positive bank balance, annoyingly professional LinkedIn profile and constructive use of time were no substitute for a feckless weekend of filling his body with intoxicants.

“Sound financial planning means I’ve never had to go into my overdraft, but perhaps it would have been better if I’d spent a bit more time living nearer to the edge. Sometimes I sit at my desk, head down, staring at my clean shoes, longing for them to have been trodden on and covered in mud at Motion. I can’t help but escape the feeling that at some point my life took a wrong turn.”

For most students, going out is an essential part of university life, but James explained that this has never really appealed to him.

“I get all the excitement I need from using my 10% student discount at Rymans when buying stationery. When it comes to lined paper, only amateurs and schmucks go lower than 90 GSM. When I see someone buying 70 GSM, I find myself chuckling audibly at the thought of how easily their pen might go through their paper, the absolute shitwipes.

“I just wish I’d been a below average student. Imagine how much better my life would be if, instead of working hard towards a degree and being well-read, I spent all my time queuing outside Parsons every day. I just feel like I’d be a more interesting person.”

Although James may well be on track for a first, perhaps we should all spare a thought for him and what must be a very moderate existence.

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