Reports have emerged that a University of Manchester student is facing the moral impasse of deciding which of their friendship groups they loathe more after returning from the Easter break.
Jack Brian, a disillusioned 19-year-old from Southend-on-Sea, has been assessing his companions since the moment they reunited at the Friendship Inn.
The Whip reporters caught up with Jack as he went for his fourth solo cig break of the night.
“I had a pretty rubbish Easter to be honest. Mum overcooked the lamb for Sunday lunch and it tasted like rubber. The old boozer got turned into some gastropub with expensive beer. A couple of my mates go to Oxford now and they never fucking shut up about how great it is.
“The ones who stayed in Southend are all depressed, petty criminals, or both. Anthony kept trying to get me involved in a multi-level marketing sales thing that he swore wasn’t a pyramid scheme.
“But now that I’ve come back to uni it’s not any better. My flatmates all spent their Easter breaks skiing so I’m a couple weeks away from hearing the end of that. No-one in my English tutorials even talks. In the pub now, I tried talking about politics but they insisted on playing a game of bogeys instead.
“I actually couldn’t tell you which group of people I despise more.”
Jack concluded that, despite everyone else at uni having meaningful friendships, the problem definitely does not lie with him.