Friendship Inn actually most hostile place in Manchester, report confirms

Who’d have thought?

The Whip has obtained exclusive details from a report which suggests Fallowfield-favourite boozer The Friendship Inn is actually the most toxic social environment in Manchester.

Analysts have attributed Friendship’s popularity to its cheap pints, live sports and panoramic beer garden offering spectacular views over McDonalds.

But Maryam Anwar, a UoM sociology student, has never been convinced by the pub’s façade of fun. Her dissertation, ‘Friendship or foe: a study in social exclusion,’ reveals the true hostile nature of regular drinkers at the pub.

“The results are truly shocking,” she told Whip reporters, “I’ve never seen so many cliques in such a small area.

“Drinkers in the beer garden are incredibly territorial. Tables under the heaters are fought for viciously, with at least one incident of a student fashioning a Molotov cocktail out of a pint of Amstel and a beanie. Students may only join a table if they pass a rigorous assessment by the head of a group – who is usually called Cassie or Verity or something – and my research has uncovered the catechism of questions they use.

“Interrogations begin with, ’Who do you know? And where did you go to school? How many centimetres do your jeans flare by? Have you seriously never shaved your head?’ They finish with the most important stipulation: does the candidate have ample supply of both riz and fizz?”

The unprecedented levels of bitchiness have led Maryam to launch a campaign against Friendship, demanding the establishment change its deceptive name.

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