SPOILER ALERT: Avengers is for children

Do NOT read on!

** Do not, we repeat DO NOT read this article if you don’t want to find out who the Avengers is actually aimed at. **

The new superhero film following the Avengers in their fight against supervillain Thanos is a production created for kids. If you are above the age of 13, it is strongly advised that rather than watching a film made for and targeted at children, you watch something a bit more age appropriate, maybe like porn or a Tarantino film. You don’t really want to spend three hours around people who aren’t legally old enough to have sex, right? That’s pretty weird. Go to the pub. When was the last time you hung out with your friends? Remember Dylan? Dylan’s fun. He wouldn’t spend his afternoon watching Avengers Endgame, would he? He’s probably getting stoned or something. Haha, oh Dylan. Why don’t you give him a text? He’s probably down for hanging out.

But, yeah, you really don’t want to be hanging out with children in the cinema. You’ve got much more important things to do. It’s a kid’s film, come on. Superheroes aren’t real, you know that right? Shouldn’t you be doing something productive anyway? Spending three hours watching a film with absolutely no swearing or drugs is pretty lame, you know? You’re not a child anymore. It’s time to put the action figures in the bin, and invest in the stock market. Or, if you can’t afford that, go see Pond Life at Hyde Park Picture House. Support a local independent cinema, whilst enjoying a film that sits in the great British tradition of films about post-industrial communities and is accompanied by a fantastic original score by Richard Hawley. That’s real life. None of this ridiculous fighting in tights. Pond Life is a bit sad, but at least it’s not a stupid superhero fantasy. You’re not 12 anymore, it’s time to grow up.

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