Student turns on shower, puts on music, brushes teeth, finishes dissertation, graduates, marries, has kids, gets into shower and it’s still fucking cold

This morning, The Whip caught up with student Jamie Fuller, who had an intriguing tale to tell of productivity and patience

“The wait for the shower to warm up usually gives me ample time to stare blankly at the shower curtain and ponder my meek existence,” the third year told us. However, what he didn’t expect was to be able to to complete every single daily task, chore, and life-milestone available to him while he waited, which was the situation today.

Jamie shared with us that at first he decided to use this mild inconvenience to brush his teeth, but as time passed he began to find increasingly novel ways to pass the time. This included making coffee, doing the laundry, and finishing a couple of chapters of ‘War and Peace’.

Eventually, The Whip learnt, this whirlwind of productivity developed to the point where he had applied for three internships and started getting driving lessons. It wasn’t long before he had found the love of his life on Bumble, reconnected with his estranged father, built a desk, and started getting into the habit of flossing.

When The Whip met Jamie this morning, he was found still naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist, sanding the floorboards on his newly built patio decking. He told us, “It’s pretty frustrating. All I wanted was a quick morning shower before lectures but, because our landlord won’t fix the boiler, I’ve missed my 9am.

“On the other hand I’ve never been so productive in my life. I’ve actually completed my degree, received a place at a law firm, found a nice house in Margate, and Jane and I are expecting twins. I might now be thirty six years old but I’ve got a lot done, so can’t complain really.”

Recent reports indicate that the water had just started to warm up, but got cold again when some fucker started doing the washing-up in the kitchen.