Report: self-proclaimed ‘hopeless romantic’ 50% correct

Halfway there.

A recent study has shown that a young man who considered himself to be a heroic tragic lover-type was in fact just tragic, and a stereotype. The study conducted by the International Romance Authority (IRA) issued a statement this morning saying, “Love actually is only around in certain instances involving reciprocated emotions and mutual respect.”

The report’s findings showed that the young man, Colin Grant, has a propensity to claim that he has fallen in love with 97% of women who come within a five-metre radius of him without hissing.

This has led to numerous ‘incidents,’ in which the ne’er-do-well has bumbled or apologised to strangers for minutes on end, sometimes resulting in his reciting of the entire script of Notting Hill, including stage directions. Consequently, Grant has been banned from all Wetherspoons public houses, Boots, and Gatwick Airport.

In an interview today, Grant spoke to The Whip, insisting that he is the victim here.

“Hi, hello, hi, sorry I don’t mean to be- I mean I’ve never been good at things like… God I’m blabbering aren’t I? Pull yourself together man! Sorry, sorry, your question, right. Um, strictly speaking, no. Regrettably, if I’m totally honest, no I have never had a conversation with a woman.

“But if we put that tiny, little, insignificant detail to one side, then there is nothing in this stupid, dumb, little, crazy world that will stop my wasted heart from… Loving. And I will go on loving day after day after day – as long as it takes – as long as I’ve got breath in my bones, I’ve got a heart that can skip, and Richard Curtis in my Blu-Ray.”

The interview drew to a close at this point as Grant saw a woman on the street outside who glanced in our general direction. He thanked us for the interview, grabbed his white placards and board marker, and ran outside shouting something about not noticing that it was raining.

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