Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, has been labelled a terrible feminist by critics after giving birth to – of all things – a baby boy.
Furious campaigners have been spotted outside Buckingham Palace burning blue baby clothes and demanding immediate change.
People on Twitter are also angry. “I’m so disappointed. Heartbroken,” said Forever Virginia, Huffington Post’s women’s rights correspondent. “She was just so progressive. I mean she’s a woman, she’s biracial and The Daily Mail hates her! What’s more progressive than that?”
The baby boy, born into a home birthing pool filled with champagne and the tears of peasants, is reportedly so rich that he doesn’t give a fuck.
“Look, of course I’m not progressive,” he said, dribbling breast milk down his adorably privileged chin. “We’re the royal family. We literally exist to remind Britain of how backwards it is. Have you not seen Prince Philip?” Meghan and Harry did not respond to a request for comment, but are said to be delighted at their new arrival. In the meantime, journalists may have to report on some actual news.